Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
