Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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