my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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