after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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