All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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