Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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