I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
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