I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Never underestimate the power of titties
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
