Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
