i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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