Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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