Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
