new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
