Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
