someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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