Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Randomize
