Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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