MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Threesome in a minivan. New low
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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