There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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