Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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