I puked a lego.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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