I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
