trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
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