Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
