Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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