I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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