it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
