Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
