Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I think my moral compass just broke
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