I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
