How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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