you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
