if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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