I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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