I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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