i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
