Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
