wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
