I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
