oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
