its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
