I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
no, he came in my armpit
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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