I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
