They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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