Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
