If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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