i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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