Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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