I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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