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I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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