Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
