would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
