y did u give ur computer a hand job?
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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