I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
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