i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
