I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
