I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
